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I have no reason to feel stressed but yet I do. No reason to be anxious but yet I am. I'm hoping for a reset. Reboot this system.


There is a piece of me that has hope that I'm going to see my mom and all my love ones that have died again. If I am wrong, I won't know after I die. But in the meantime I am not giving up that hope.

There is someone I know who has done a complete 180 on religion. Her evangelical times were before I knew her. If I'd met her during that time I wouldn't know her. Now, she's anti religioun and anti faith. I'm going to call it anti faith versus athesism because it is in the direction of attacking people of faith.

Knowing her, say in the scenario I was in a relationship with her and professed my faith she would suddenly become a person of faith again. She is more than suggestible and having her own strong convictions that are part of her being and are firm is not her.

I've grown to like her and realize the extremism is attention and seeking because she is lost. Also, I have to thank her for making my convictions stronger.

I'm not a person of extremes. I'm not a person who likes to shock and rock the boat. Good for those who do.

Mar. 11th, 2015

Just an opinion, because I can spout off an opinion here without offending some conservative family member or otherwise I should delete from Facebook, I feel my Republican aunt who has never worked a day in her life and married into money twice has no standing to be a critic of social programs.
• I like the idea of bullet points

• I have a mammogram today

• I ate dinner at Maria's last night with her Tuesday group

• My wife is at a training she didn't need in Tacoma this week

• I miss her

• I have my allergy shot later

• I may go out for a beer on my own tonight

Take me out to the ball game

I love baseball. Love it. Love it. Love it!


Thankful for friends especially you

I was thinking that it was just over 4 years ago my life got completely turned upside down. It turned out to be so much for the better but it was a hard transition, as any big change often is.

When I look back the first thing I think of it the people who were there for me. Those who I leaned on in that troubled time. That talked to me, listened to me, and counseled and consoled me.

First person that comes to mind is you Lisa. I don't know what I would have done without a friend like you. You set me on a straight path and got me thinking clearly. I know you've had much in the way of troubled times over the last year and more. I wish there was some way I could help you more and repay you for all you've done for me. All I can do is say thank you and know that I think the world of you.


Zekey B

So yet another chapter ends...the 19 year old tuxedo cat Zeke that was once mine and my ex's, and then just hers... Or maybe hers and her new, but now not so new, significant others...anyway, Zeke is gone.

He had had a lot of health problems the last couple years and from what my ex said, again, I think the merciful choice was made too late. She has problems letting go which many do. I could speculate why but it would be speculation.

So Jake, my beloved giant Pomeranian, is all the remains that we once shared. I was firmly told by Jake's first owner that she gave the dog to ME, not my ex and he was never hers. Part of me agrees with that. Most of me does actually.

Letting go a little more day by day. I've heard supposedly it takes some odd amount of time to truly get over a relationship based on how long you were in it. I'm finding I'm getting over it in jerks now, nearly 4 years from when it officially ended. I think I've wrapped it up and then something will come up. I've come to expect that now, that something will come up. I'm trying to embrace those things and work through and learn and continue to live. It's easy to do but hard to so without regret


So there it is, you know what I think

I thought I had learned to control contempt and dislike and all in the respect of not letting it show but I just haven't.

It's been an odd little week and capped by I think I'm have the PMS of my pseudo period as I like to call it.

I was terribly "put off", "offended" by something on Facebook that I wouldn't think would have cause such a reaction. Of course it was posted by someone I already have issues about and then someone else I also have issues about was involved in conversation about it. I responded to the post mildly, then not so mildly when ridiculous excuses were made about why it was okay.

Then tonight said second person above who I consider pretentious and condescending, she showed up unexpectedly to a meeting and I just wasn't nice to put it mildly. I questioned her motives I showed contempt.

So, I should just keep my mouth shut. I've worked so hard years to keep my mouth shut and here I slide back, back and back. Is it okay to speak up? Yeah but not like I did. Boiling under or something? Toxic people to me.Maybe I'm toxic? Maybe just to some. Breath deep. It doesn't matter. Who cares.

I've been terribly upset about my best friend's marriage. Just sick.
It has never been good but things so escalated this week that I actually told her she should end it. I have been careful to keep my opinions to myself concerning it, from day one thinking it was a bad rash desperate hasty decision. Never had I told her. I've always been supportive and constructive. But I couldn't hold back today. What can you do to help someone that is miserable and there is no end to that in sight without significant heartache?

So I feel out of control. I am out of control in the figurative sense. Maybe a little in the literal sense. And tired. I'm very tired. In the literal sense. And the furry dogs are hot.


Up and ready to go

The Mrs, little woman, significant other, spouse, partner, better half, ball and chain left extra early this morning. I list all of those names in jest. As I started to type I hesitated on what to call her trying to change from using the go to word of lesbians "partner". Importantly, she is my love.

Anyway she left so early that I am also up and ready to go too early that I can't really leave yet for work. So I sit here on the bed, listening to Dee Dee breath heavily. She's awake but it's not her usual hot breathing. She's so much better on her anxiety medications and I've learned a lot about show dogs. I've learned how, like any other profession that some are just not cut out for it. She clearly wasn't. She did okay in the ring I assume because Champion is included in her name. But the outside, the kenneling, the separation, the waiting seems to have had lasting effects on her. So fortunately she is retired and hopefully time will show her that she has stability and no unknowns here.

I don't know how A does her job. I can see doing it for the average Joe or Joan in private practice but the seeing 7 clients on some days and about 35-40 people a week I have no idea. With no time for proper, often evaluated, notes that are due in 72 hours. No time for administration. How can she even keep all the clients straight? In and out like an assembly line. Sometimes she brightens with the breakthroughs of really helping someone, often shakes her head at the malingerers, and sometimes defeated by the ones that didn't want to help themselves.

Last week I was upset one night by her inability to disconnect from work, which she actually is very successful at considering. I would not be cut out for it just like my now softly (okay more softly) breathing show dog. I hope I'm making both of their lives a little more calm and a little more loved.


Vivian Vance

Okay finally my 5th icon picture. I had thought occasionally about this one the last week or so and thinking about the time and place the icon first made its appearance made me reprocesses, again, what came after in the next few years. Also, a bad interaction made me reprocess a lot of stuff too. It's funny to me, unexpected but expected, that healing is a process of fits and starts. Sometimes you think you are past something and okay with it, but something else happens to shake you up and make you process, and hopefully heal some more.

A few years back when I lived in Texas and was not working, I decided to watch every episode of "I Love Lucy". Wow, this is a high quality top notch show that has held the test of time. Not every episode was amazing, but even as it waned in the last couple seasons, it was still a good solid show.

The more I watched it the more I became intrigued by Vivian Vance. She was still a young lady at the time and I imagined a lustful vivacious Ethel eager for some sweet passionate loving, but stuck with frumpy, grumpy Fred. I think at the time fflo, you said "Ah there may be more than meets the eye to Fred!" But I didn't see it, and though Vivian and William had great comedic interaction and timing, they didn't have any spark that would indicate they could be a real life couple. I consider this the biggest flaw, but in no way fatal or really serious, of I Love Lucy: that there seemed no reason, or indication why these two, Fred and Ethel, would ever be married.

This leads me to think of myself and other couples I know. I think always you can see something about why a couple is together. Some sort of click or interaction that makes you say "Yeah, this is why they got together." That doesn't indicate or say anything about if that couple will stay together, or whether they may be doomed not to. Hmm, my typing is leading me a place I hadn't expected....all kind of scenerios and backstory on the Fred and Ethel relationship now seem possible. I'm going to have to think about this some more and revisit it.